


In This Kingdom We Have Made

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-15
Updated: 2006-11-15
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: "You're pushing yourself because you think I want you to.  That's not what I want."





	In This Kingdom We Have Made

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: The title comes from the Eric Clapton song 'Change the World.' The song Sister Christian is by Night Ranger. I want to once again thank Murry, who guided me through this whole thing by reading, encouraging, and just being a great mom.  


* * *

It was a stifling August Friday. The humidity had reached the boiling point as thunderstorms threatened the District. It rumbled in the distance all day the rain had not yet arrived. CJ watched as her kids played outside with Mitch, climbing all over him instead of the monkey bars their father had installed for those kinds of adventures. Five weeks she was separated from them; it felt like a lifetime. She had no recollection of the three weeks she spent in that deep depression.

For a while, she hardly remembered anything that happened to her. It was just flashes, moments, and absolute fear. CJ did not want Leo to touch her and by the middle of her second week at home, the nightmares began. The doctor called them night terrors. In her dreams her experiences as a captor were vivid…CJ would wake up screaming. Leo immediately contacted Dr. Stanley Keyworth, hoping his expertise as a trauma specialist would help his wife.

CJ was resistant to speak to him. She did not want to remember her experience. Her dreams frightened her and she knew that they were real. It depressed her and the couple slipped further away from each other. CJ withdrew from her husband and friends, tried to thrust herself into being a mother. The Chinese wall constructed around the traumatic events began to crumble, even marring her time with Tim and Charlie. She moved out of her bedroom with Leo and spent most of her days weeping in bed. Leo was worried she might try to harm herself…he called Stanley again. That was almost 10 weeks ago.

She saw him three days a week, slowly bringing her pain and torment to the surface. Some days were hard and they made little leeway. Other days CJ would be so angry and distraught, Stanley would have to give her something to calm her down. But she was fighting. She faced the grief head on and often went back in her mind to that clapboard room in her nightmares. Reliving the horrible moments was the only way for her to be free. CJ wanted her life back; she planned to hold onto it with both hands.

“Good afternoon Mrs. McGarry.”

“Hi. Did Leo get you a drink or something? Are you thirsty?”

“I have water; I'm fine. Why don’t you sit down?”

CJ smiled, dropping on her couch. She was dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a tank top. Stanley took a moment to take her in…the woman was definitely all legs. Her feet were bare and she buried her toes in the carpet.

“How are you today Mrs. McGarry?”

“Will you please call me CJ? Because I have to tell you, I feel like I'm talking to an attorney. I feel like I have to defend myself.”

“Alright. How are you CJ?”

“Fine.”

“One word answers are usually untruthful.”

“Why do you ask if you already know?” she asked. “I had another nightmare last night. It was the one where I was being suffocated again. I need to stop taking the sleeping pills.”

“Why?” Stanley asked.

“Its happening mostly when I take the Ambien.”

“Are you able to sleep without them?”

“Some nights. It will get easier over time.”

Stanley wanted to know if she had moved back to the master bedroom. CJ’s eyes were downcast, studying her feet.

“CJ?”

“No. I just…”

“What? Are you repulsed by your husband’s touch?”

“No! Leo would never hurt me and no matter what happens to me, I will always know that.”

“Tell me why you're sleeping in separate bedrooms.”

“I'm afraid.” She mumbled.

“I didn’t hear you.”

“I'm afraid. I don’t want him to reject me. I don’t want to see his disgust.”

CJ turned her face away so Stanley could not see her tears.

“Why would Leo be disgusted by you?” he asked.

“Three guesses.”

“I don’t like guessing games.”

“Because someone else…even if I didn’t want it. I'm dirty.”

“Did he say that?”

“I don’t want to give him the chance. He hasn’t asked me to come back.”

“You think that’s because you're dirty.”

“I don’t know what I think. Our intimate life was important; it still is. To both of us.”

“CJ, you were raped. It may be some time before you're comfortable in a sexual situation, even a safe one. Have you and Leo talked about it?”

They didn’t talk about much right now. Leo certainly tried but CJ couldn’t open up to him no matter how hard she tried.

“I have a little project for you CJ.”

“What?” Her eyes looked at him with skepticism.

“Talk to your husband. Engage him in conversation; make him laugh. Be CJ and Leo for one evening. I'm not saying it will be easy but I want you to try.”

CJ nodded. She wanted to try more than anything.

***

Lauren walked into her bedroom and handed Nancy a cup of black coffee. The President of the United States smiled, putting the cup on the nightstand and pulled her companion into a passionate.

“I recall thinking you were trouble when we first met.” Nancy said as they pulled apart.

“What do you think now?”

“That my assessment was quite correct. You know, you shouldn’t smell this good in the morning.”

“I showered. You should too; you have to go soon.”

“Not just yet.” Nancy leaned back in bed, bringing Lauren with her.

“Nance, this whole situation makes Ron Butterfield nervous.”

“Don’t bring him up; you'll kill the moment. You don’t want to kill the moment.”

“No, I really don’t.”

“Then lets get you out of this robe.”

“Yes Madame President.”

Nancy and Lauren’s relationship progressed quickly. Neither of them intended on it becoming a thing and suddenly it had. They didn’t get to see each other often but Nancy looked forward to the time they were together. She even took Lauren out for the day on Doug’s yacht, giving her a chance to get to know the twins before they went away for their last summer at sleep away camp. Nancy was being the soul of discretion where this relationship was concerned but she was falling for Lauren.

It had been so long since she had been a part of anyone else’s life…it was hard to remember. There were those giddy feelings; the feeling of losing control that Nancy stamped down inside herself. A love affair in the White House could not be a worse move. She was a lesbian and despite her powerful position, the country was not ready to accept that. There was much more to think about than her feelings. She never thought of her feelings though, and at 52 that was starting to get on her nerves.

Her job as State Department official, National Security Advisor, and finally President of the United States put her feelings close to the bottom of the list. With Lauren, they didn’t have to be. She even seemed to handle the covert nature of their relationship well, though Nancy didn’t think that would last. The deeper they both fell, the more they wanted to be together. What they wanted was not possible.

“How can you possibly have something heavy on your mind after that? I am not doing my job.” Lauren said.

She lay in Nancy’s arms dozing off. She was in love but definitely didn’t plan to tell Nancy anytime soon. The President of the United States did not date, could not. Pretty soon, they probably wouldn’t even have these random mornings of bliss. Lauren needed to pull back before she was hurt beyond repair.

“How do you know something heavy is on my mind?”

“Your breathing changed. I've started to notice the signs.”

“I'm just thinking about work. I really should go. Wanna shower with me?”

“Yes, but then you will never leave. You usually use shower time to think so go ahead.”

“Lauren…?”

“What? I'm fine.” She kissed Nancy. “Seriously, get in the shower before the Secret Service come in here looking for you.”

Nancy nodded. She got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Lauren took a deep breath, trying not to let the doubts creep beneath her skin.

***

“Good morning Josh.”

Josh stood from his chair as the Vice-President walked into his office.

“Good morning sir. You will be happy to know that Sandy managed to get her hands on a copy of Luciano Pavarotti at Royal Albert Hall. Mrs. Spencer will be quite happy.”

“Excellent. Next to Ambrosia, Pavarotti walks on water. Women can be peculiar.”

“No comment sir.”

“I wanted to let you know that I'm not taking you on the Salvation Army trip. You need a weekend off. You’ve been working very hard.”

“I'm sorry sir, I don’t understand.”

“I know that. I was informed that time off is a foreign concept to you. C’mon, sit down.”

The Vice-President sat and so did Josh.

“Bram will be fine on this trip. It’s a dinner on Friday, a speech on Saturday, church, and a barbecue on Sunday. I'm sure everyone else can handle it.”

“Is there some kind of problem you are not making me aware of Mr. Vice-President?”

Peter Spencer shook his head. He considered himself quite lucky to have Josh Lyman in his corner. He knew what he lost eight months ago with the death of the President-elect. Being asked to work for the incoming Vice-President must have been the equivalent of being made to take your cousin on the senior prom. Josh not only gave all of himself to the job, it was important to him to know the Spencers as people. He bought birthday presents for the kids and always came to the family events he was invited to. Peter did not just look at him as an employee; Josh was the best kind of people. Except that he was going to work himself into an early grave.

“Josh, you are easily one of the hardest working people I have ever met. Sadly, all my years in Congress I never met anyone who works like you. You turned me into the Vice-President of the United States and I appreciate it. Now take the weekend off.”

“With all due respect sir, did someone put you up to this?”

Peter laughed.

“Tell me the last time you saw your girlfriend. Scratch that, when is the last time you saw her before 10pm.”

“My…how did you…?”

“You're a smart, attractive man; of course you're seeing someone. Hogan is her name, right?”

Josh put his face in his hands; this was going high up on his list of very embarrassing moments.

“She will be excited about the prospect of a three day weekend.”

“Sir, this is very embarrassing.”

“I certainly didn’t mean for it to be. I know from experience that putting all of yourself into work can take a toll on you as well as your loved ones. You stay here, we go to Texas, and Monday is Monday. It is not up for debate.”

He stood, smoothing out his slacks.

“Yes sir. Thank you Mr. Vice-President.”

“Thanks Josh.”

He left and Josh just shook his head. He wanted to know how the Vice-President found about his relationship, much less what her name was. He even avoided putting his favorite picture of Hogan on his desk. He didn’t want to jinx something new and exciting and he did not want a thousand questions. Now his boss was giving him time off for love. Mandatory time off. Well, who was Josh to argue? He dialed his cell phone.

“Hello.”

“Hi. Cancel any plans you had for the weekend and call out of work on Friday.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about a three day weekend together. How does Boston sound?”

“Fantastic.”

“Then its set. I gotta go; I’ll see you tonight.”

“Yes. Bye.”

***

“We have a huge problem.”

Cameron walked into Donna’s office on Wednesday morning. He put a bottle of Advil on her desk and she knew what that meant.

“Don’t even bother with the preface.” She said. “Just give it to me.”

He dropped the tabloid on her desk. On the cover there was a woman Donna did not recognize under the banner headline, ‘Is this woman the President’s lesbian lover?’

“Jesus. Who the hell is she?”

“Lauren Pierdon, a program director at CNN. Open it; the pictures make it obvious that she and the President are friends.”

“The President is allowed to have friends Cam.” Donna replied, flipping pages.

There were a couple of pictures of the President on Doug Pierce’s yacht, a picture of the President at the opera, a photo of two women eating at a café that could have been Nancy and Lauren or not…it was grainy at best. The kiss on the yacht was not grainy though, even if she only kissed the President’s temple. Donna figured she could spin that as she picked up her phone.

“Joel, I need Nora’s next five minutes. No, I need her now.”

She hung up and headed down the hall. Some semblance of control just returned to her pressroom; this was going to blow it to hell. Nora was wrapping up a meeting with the Secretary of Transportation. He went out one door and Donna came in the other.

“Hey, what's happening?”

She put the tabloid on her desk.

“I don’t want to speculate anything, but the President may have a girlfriend.”

“She’s pretty. Looks familiar.”

“She is a program director for CNN. Her name is Lauren Pierdon.”

“She went to college with CJ.” Nora said. 

“That’s terrific. What are we going to do about it?”

“The President is allowed to be friends with whoever she wants to be.”

“While I do not disagree, this is going to be a story. A picture’s worth a thousand words.”

“Yeah, but it’s a tabloid.”

“Today. This is going to hit the legitimate press.”

“OK. Then we talk to the President. Lets go.”

They walked into the Oval Office; Donna wished she would’ve taken the Advil Cameron offered.

“Hey guys.”

Nancy took the opportunity to turn away from replacements for foreign oil. While it was definitely important work it was boring reading.

“Madame President, we need to discuss a delicate matter.” Donna said.

“OK.”

Nora handed the tabloid to the President, watching her eyes change as she scanned the pictures. Then she looked at the cover.

“Oh Christ.”

“While we usually never dignify the tabloids with a response, this is definitely going to be a story.” Nora said.

“No doubt. Lauren is a friend, that’s all.”

“Ma'am, you don’t have to explain to us.” Donna replied. “You're allowed to have a personal life.”

“Yeah right. 45% of the American public finds my personal life to be repugnant, an abomination. Lauren is about to become a target all because she is my friend. Does that sound like I'm allowed to have a personal life?” Nancy tossed the magazine on the floor. “What do we do about this?”

“Take the offensive.” Nora said. “Make it a non-story before it becomes a story. I say Donna takes it to the pressroom today.”

“I don’t mean to pry ma'am, and you can certainly say its none of my business, but is Lauren more than a friend?” Donna asked.

“I'm afraid that is none of your business, though the answer is yes. At least it used to be yes. I have no intention of allowing the media to invade her life.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Thank you for bringing this to me. I have to finish reading so…”

“Thank you Madame President.”

Nora grabbed the paper off the floor and she and Donna hustled out of the office.

“This is not right.” the younger blonde said. “She should be allowed to have a life.”

“While you'll get no argument out of me, you give up that kind of thing when you take a public persona.”

“What if she…?”

“The President is not going to go on television and say leave me and my girlfriend alone. Even if we all think she should, she won't. You know, sometimes I think we’re living in the 19th century and not the 21st.”

“Yeah. OK, I’ll inject it at the two o’clock briefing.”

“Thanks Donna. I have no idea if this will really work but its our first shot.”

***

CJ tapped lightly on the door and stuck her head in. It didn’t seem strange to her at all that she was asking for entry into her bedroom and that bothered her. Anita Baker played softly; Leo looked up from his writing.

“Hi. Am I bothering you?” she asked.

“Of course not. Come in, I'm just jotting down a few things. Come in.”

CJ came in, closing the door. She sat Indian style on her side of the bed as Leo put his notebook in the nightstand drawer.

“I hope the kids sleep through the thunderstorm.” She said. “I had Charlie with me last night.”

“You two should have come in here. I was worried about you…I know you don’t like thunder.”

“I thought about it but…”

“What?”

“I don’t know.” CJ shrugged. “Can I stay in here tonight?”

“You never have to ask to stay in here. This is our bedroom; I want you here. Just as long as you are comfortable.”

She moved closer to him, put her arms around him.

“I'm comfortable.”

“CJ, don’t…”

Her kiss cut him off. Leo stiffened, pulling away from her. Tears brimmed in her eyes as her husband held her at arm’s length. CJ twisted out of his hold.

“CJ…”

“You're repulsed by me.” she said.

“What are you talking about? Baby, that’s not true.”

“You don’t even want to kiss me. It makes you sick, doesn’t it?”

“No! I…”

“I understand.” She got up and went to the door. “I’ll just go back to the guestroom.”

“Please don’t leave.” Leo stood too, and took both of her hands. “Come and sit with me, OK? We can talk.”

“I talk all day Leo…I don’t want to talk.”

“We should not make love. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Because I disgust you?”

“Stop saying that. Sit down.” they sat together on the bed. “You're pushing yourself because you think I want you to. That is not what I want.”

“You don’t want me?”

“I will always want you, all the days of my life CJ.” he turned her face so she was looking at him, wiping away her tears. “What I don’t want, what I never want, is for you to confuse something beautiful that happens between us with something ugly that was forced upon you. All I want is for you to feel safe. Especially when we are together.”

“I do feel safe when I am with you Leo.”

“Good, that’s a good start. I want you to stay with me tonight; I want you here every night. Nothing has to happen. I just want to hold you. While I understand why you withdrew, that didn’t make it hurt any less. It broke my heart because I felt there was nothing I could do to help you.”

“I was a victim Leo, but I don’t have to remain one. I'm stronger than what happened to me.”

She certainly did not have to convince Leo of her strength. It was one of the many reasons he loved her. She also had a tendency to bury her pain; pretend the bad things did not hurt her. She could not do that this time or she would never be able to move on. Leo did not fool himself into thinking that this was something CJ would ever get over. He just believed with help from her loved ones and Stanley Keyworth she would be able to move past it. He sighed, kissing her cheek.

“I'm giddy that you are here with me tonight.” He said.

“Giddy Leopold.” She smiled.

“Yes, dammit I'm giddy and I am going to say so.”

“You definitely are. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He paused to think for just a moment. Then his lips touched hers lightly. CJ deepened it just a bit, opening her mouth for his tongue. It was just one kiss, and then they lay in bed together for the first time in months. CJ and Leo held each other, talking until they were exhausted and the sound of the rain and their heartbeats lulled them to sleep.

***

Nancy and Nora were wrapping up their meeting when Ron Butterfield arrived. The President and her Chief of Staff were trying to find permanent replacements for her interim staff. Sam was going to stay and be her Chief of Staff; Donna would remain Press Secretary. She wanted Charlie on the staff but Jed would kill her if he gave up law school for another run in the White House. She would ask him to stay on as Special Assistant if he wanted while taking classes at Georgetown. His knowledge was not something she wanted to lose. She was expecting an answer any day from Stephen Colt for Communications Director but she had a short list for both that job and the Deputy. They also needed a Deputy Chief of Staff. Nancy was not too concerned…she had until January 1st.

“We will pick this up late Nora. Thanks.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“How is CJ? I haven’t talked to her in a week.”

“She’s good. She is working hard and seeing Dr. Keyworth. She told me that she wants to come and visit the White House soon.”

“We are always happy to have her. With my entourage it is hard for me to drop in on people.”

“She understands ma'am. We should also sit and talk later about Lauren Pierdon.”

“What's happened now?”

“The press isn’t letting go. With Congress returning from recess in the next couple of weeks and us getting ready to put the Child Healthcare Initiative and the College Credit Act out there, we need to settle this. Not even mentioning that Iris and Isabelle will be back soon and returning to school.”

Nancy was sensing another tell-all interview, this time about her personal life. She did not want the whole world involved in her business. 

“We’ll talk about it before the weekend. I need to talk to Lauren.”

“Of course ma'am. Thank you Madame President.”

“Thanks Nora. C’mon in Ron. How is Wednesday treating you?”

“Fine, thank you ma'am.”

Margaret came in with him; she had paperwork to be signed.

“Margaret, can you arrange for a midday snack?” she asked. “I'm sagging a bit here.”

“Yes ma'am…fruit salad.”

Nancy said that was fine but wished for something more substantial. Margaret always looked after Nancy’s health, just as she tried to do with Leo and CJ. The President appreciated it but she wanted some cheesecake. She would have a slice at the residence tonight.

“What do you have for me Agent Butterfield?”

“We’re closing the poisoning case.” He sat on the couch. Nancy stood to sit across from him; Ron stood again.

“All this standing and sitting is going to take some getting used to.”

“Yes ma'am. Agent Carlton Jones and Agent Bruce Freehold are dead. Apparently, it was part of a suicide pact. They were the two agents that poisoned the President-elect. It said so on their suicide notes. Agent Mary Ann Grafalo is missing. She was their connection with Chief Justice Lang. Agent Freehold poisoned Senator Vinick or at least made the poison available to another agent that we have no located…all of his agents checked out.”

“And Congressman Haffley?” Nancy asked.

“The FBI has Agent Scott Munroe in custody. He was certainly not the mastermind behind this and may have very little to give but he is facing federal murder charges. That should get him to tell us whatever he knows. The FBI is taking over the Grafalo missing person’s case.”

“So, its over.”

“Yes ma'am. It took almost nine months and some agents worked themselves to the bone, but the Secret Service is quite satisfied with the outcome.”

“So is the President. This was excellent work and I'm glad to move away from it and back to the usual hysteria. Thank you so much Ron.”

“Thank you Madame President.”

He left the Oval Office and Nancy dialed a number on her cell phone.

“Hi, it’s me. If you have some free time tonight I was hoping you could stop by for a bite to eat. We really need to talk. Bye.”

***

Toby walked into the McGarry kitchen. Leo was tinkering around with a salad and for a few moments the men just looked at each other. Leo broke his gaze and went to the refrigerator for honey mustard dressing.

“What are you doing here?” Leo asked, his back still to the Communications Director.

“We need to talk.”

“Do we?”

“Yeah.”

“The floor is yours then. You don’t mind if I eat, do you?”

“No, not really. Where is CJ tonight?” he asked.

“Hogan took her out to dinner. Probably to drop the ball that she and Josh was seeing each other. Hey, don’t look at me like that; I didn’t set them up.”

“Isn't she like 20?”

“22. I hope you don’t want to talk about that because it makes me uncomfortable. Unless that is the whole reason you showed up tonight.”

“Look, I stepped out of line a lot recently. I thought, and still think, my intentions were good, I just should have kept my mouth shut. I didn’t help anything.”

“OK.”

“Leo.” Toby said it through clenched teeth.

“What the hell do you want, a hug? We all said and did things…we will again. We got through a bad time because we had each other; even when we didn’t want each other. I think its better if we just move on from it.”

“I want that too. Its just important that you know that I would never blame you for what happened to CJ. I just…I was so angry.”

“Me too.” Leo replied.

“Yeah.”

“Toby, I let it go right after it happened. Your passion, which occasionally leans toward hotheadedness, is half the reason I like you. I know how much you care about CJ. There is no need to apologize.”

“I just wanted to make sure things were OK between us. Nora and I are both very close to CJ, and consider you a close friend. I don’t want any tension in the future.”

“There won't be. Are you sure you don’t want some salad? There is plenty left.”

“Honestly, I would rather eat one of Julie’s socks.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“CJ is out tonight; let me take you to dinner. We can get some real food…even somewhat healthy. Maybe even some pie.”

Leo smiled a bit. Toby was really trying to make it up to him and he would let him. They were both stubborn, outspoken men. Leo considered him a friend and wanted to make sure he knew that.”

“Are you paying?” the older man asked.

“I invited you, didn’t I? How does Italian sound?”

“Delicious.”

***

Lauren walked into the library; she and Nancy shared a brief kiss.

“Sorry I'm late…work was hectic.”

“The press circus following you couldn’t have helped.” Nancy replied.

“I don’t think we’re reached full circus status yet. Hey, how are the girls?”

“Good. They're home next Thursday. We've made Labor Day plans at Camp David. They’ve never been there so they're excited.”

“I bet. Sounds like a blast.”

“I'm having a few guests, including my brother and sister-in-law. I would love to have you but under the circumstances…”

“Don't be silly. I wasn’t even expecting an invitation. In fact I need to apologize to you. This media frenzy is partially my fault.”

“No its not.” Nancy said firmly. “No one deserves to be followed around and harassed, least of all you. Its why I called you today.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“There are a few options, most of which I don’t want to take. The public seems to think they are allowed in my bedroom and that is simply not true. I really like you a lot, but it is going to be better if we don’t see each other anymore. Better for you.”

“That’s not going to work for me.” Lauren replied.

“Excuse me?”

“I love you Nancy. God, I had planned to hold that closer to the cuff for a while. A big battle requires big guns. I have pretty much since you nearly tumbled off that ladder. I'm not leaving your life.”

“Lauren…”

“I understand protocol and rules; I know you’ve lived by them a long time. I'm not asking you to give that up. But you can't give up love either. Its not as if I want to move in and get married or anything.”

“You're going to wait three years?” Nancy asked.

“Yes. We may show up in the newspaper again before you leave the White House. You know what you tell people, you tell them that I am a special person in your life and the public has absolutely no right to pick and choose who you care about. The faster they stop thinking they can judge your lifestyle, the faster they will stop judging everyone’s.”

Nancy sighed. She did not want Lauren to get hurt or lose things that meant something to her because she loved the wrong person.

“There are truly some people out there who would hurt you because I love you…I mean, you know what I mean.”

“I can take care of myself. The ignorant have never controlled me and I won't let them start now. We’re friends, we are allowed to spend time together. That’s my word and I am sticking to it.”

Nancy smiled. She reached for Lauren’s hand and pulled her onto her lap.

“Wanna come to a barbecue at Camp David?” she asked.

“I would love to, but mama and daddy will kill me if I don’t come to Columbia. Its been awhile. So, about what I said earlier…?”

“What, that you love me?”

“I didn’t mean to put all of my cards on the table but I meant it. I've never been lucky in anything; at least I don’t think I have been. Damned if I'm turning my back on this.”

Nancy kissed her, stroking her face.

“I meant what I said too.” She said.

“Am I going to have to wait three years for you to say it right?”

“Definitely not.”

***

Mike Casper came to the Georgetown house on a rainy Friday afternoon. Leo was at the White House and CJ was there with the kids. Mike greeted them with gusto.

“Do you have a gun Agent Casper?” Tim asked.

“Do you shoot people?” Charlie asked.

“I only shoot bad people.”

“Can I see your gun?” Tim asked.

“No.” CJ shook her head. “You know daddy and I don’t want you or your sister anywhere near guns. Are there anymore questions for Agent Casper?”

“Can you get me a badge?” Charlie asked.

“I can.”

“Cool.”

“I want one too.” Tim chimed in.

“Alright guys, Mitch has lunch ready. I need to talk to Agent Casper.”

“Bye.” They waved, running for the kitchen.

“Later guys. They are adorable.”

CJ took Mike into the den and closed the door.

“Thanks. They are my pride and joy, as cheesy as that sounds.”

“I have four, it doesn’t sound cheesy. How are you?”

“I'm doing alright. Keeping busy with those two rascals.”

“I bet. Federal agents captured Hector Diaz trying to sneak over the border into Canada this morning. All of his paperwork was fake and he had a passenger in his car. It turned out to be the missing Secret Service Agent, Mary Ann Grafalo. They are both coming back here to face a list of charges in federal court.”

“Oh my God, you got him.”

“We got him…didn’t I promise you we would?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t believe you.”

They both laughed as CJ wiped tears from her eyes.

“What about Armando Silva?” she asked.

“He is still a ghost. I don’t think Diaz is going to give him up but I have been wrong before. A needle in the arm is enticing. We plan to sweat him good. I want to find Silva too.”

CJ nodded. She was just happy for that bit of news. She did not recall how many people were there when she was being held…they drugged her most of the time. It haunted her that she would never be able to identify her captors or help much with the investigation.

“I'm glad you came to tell me face to face. I'm sorry I couldn’t be more help.”

“That’s nonsense; you’ve been helpful. Anyway, it is important that you keep pushing and get better. That’s what the people who love you want most. I better get going. I just wanted to tell you the good news.”

“Thank you so much for everything.”

CJ walked him out. He promised both kids an authentic FBI badge on his next visit. She hugged him before he left, thanking him again for his hard work. Then she rushed to the phone to call her husband; CJ wanted him home with her right now.

***

“Sister Christian, oh the time has come. And you know you're not the only one to say, OK. Where you going; what you looking for? You know those boys don’t wanna play no more with you…its true.”

“Am I interrupting?”

Toby walked into his son’s nursery. Nora smiled as he leaned to kiss her lips. He also kissed his sleeping son.

“He was fussy. He likes Night Ranger, what can I say?”

She handed Jules to his father. Toby kissed him once more and put him in his crib. They checked on Nicky and went to their bedroom. Nora put on some music as Toby undressed. The President would be in Europe for eight days starting next Friday. Sam, Charlie, Donna, and Toby would be taking the trip but Nora was staying behind. She checked the itinerary of speeches, dinners, and photo ops to make sure they had time to what the President needed in each country.

“I don’t like the idea of us being apart for eight days.” Toby said.

Nora looked up from her folder and smiled. Toby was naked, except for his omnipresent socks, digging through the top drawer for pajamas.

“Your ass is still the cutest in the world.” She said.

“Thank you.” He shook it a bit.

“I will give you lots to remember me by…tide you over until you get back.”

“I like where this conversation is going.”

“I bet you do. Can we talk about something else for a second?”

“Yeah.”

Toby sat on the bed. It was too early for sleep; he definitely had something else on his mind.

“What's on your mind sugar plum?”

“Getting the hell out of this town.”

“We closed on the house already; it belongs to us. I will be starting at Columbia University in January. The world will officially be your oyster. As crazy as this year started out, it only got stranger. There were days I swore I was trapped in a movie of the week. I expected Lisa Hartman Black or Meredith Baxter to walk in one of the doors.”

“I know.” Nora rolled her eyes. “I never thought I could say this but the last eight months were harder than the past six years.”

Toby nodded, taking her in his arms and holding her tight.

“Its almost over.” He whispered.

“I know. We have done so well. OK, you know what?”

“Hmm?”

“No more difficult talk. I want kisses Toby Ziegler.”

Toby smiled, kissing all over her face and neck before settling his mouth over hers. Nora moaned against him and pulled him closer. They separated long enough for her to move the folders from the bed and slide down. Toby maneuvered his body over hers. Nora stroked his beard. He loved the way she smiled at him because he never ceased to let him know how much she loved him. They were married almost five years ago and Toby still struggled with someone loving him so much. Every time he felt as if he didn’t deserve it, Nora reminded him that he did.

“You're amazing you know that.” she said.

“I've heard tell. Its only because you make me that way sugar.”

Nora smiled again, kissing him passionately.

***

“So, you're leaving me?”

“As intriguing as I find you CJ, I actually miss my family. My summer vacation is coming to an end.”

“You call this a vacation?”

“Wait, you are asking me too many questions. Lets turn the tables here.”

“OK.” CJ sat on the couch and smiled at him.

“It seems like you're having a good day today.” He said.

“I am.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it.”

“Well, Leo and I are sleeping in the same bed again. I haven’t had any nightmares since, though I won't delude myself into thinking they are gone completely. I don’t drift off as much anymore, which allows me to spend more time with Tim and Charlie. I've been out with friends and had dinner with my niece, who is now dating Josh Lyman…don’t even ask.”

“How old is your niece?” Stanley asked.

“You're violating the don’t ask rule.”

“Sorry. Are you and Leo talking?”

“You mean about what happened?”

“Yes.”

“Some. I still…its embarrassing. I don’t blame myself for what happened, and I certainly don’t blame Leo, but I'm not quite ready to talk to him about it.”

“Why?”

“OK, so my last answer was not good enough?” she asked.

“Really why CJ?”

She took a deep breath, reaching over for her glass of Ginger ale.

“I'm still dealing with repulsion. I don't think he would ever look at me the same if he knew everything. I don’t think I would look at myself the same.”

“There will come a day when you will have to face everything you remember. Its…”

“It’s the only way to heal. I know. It has to be OK that I'm not ready yet.”

“Of course it is. Actually, I have to say the strides you've made in the past 3 months are amazing. You are very strong CJ.”

“I come from strong, stubborn people. Creggs don’t fall down easily.”

“You’ve proven that. Just remember that admitting you have weaknesses is part of being strong.”

“I know. I'm dancing as fast as I can.”

“Slow down. You're planning to continue therapy right?”

“I've found a doctor here in DC that specializes in trauma and she can probably recommend someone good in New York. When this year started, I never expected to be sitting here with you. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“I have been shot at, twice, my husband had a massive heart attack, I have been kidnapped and brutalized. Who would play me in the movie?” CJ fought back the tears stinging her eyes.

“Who do you want to play you?” as usual Stanley countered her question with one of his own.

“I don’t know…I don’t think I would wish it on anyone.”

“You're feeling good today. Don’t forget about that; don’t lose that.”

“I won't. I'm going to make dinner tonight.”

“What are you making?”

“The President gave me her meatloaf recipe and I have Mitch here to make sure I don’t burn the place down. I just want to be normal, you know. Even if I'm just pretending tonight, the day will come when I can do more than pretend.”

“We all have a great coping capacity CJ. Some use it better than others but it is in everyone. You won't always have to pretend…have faith in that.”

“Oh God, faith.” CJ smiled. “Dr. Keyworth that is another decade of therapy. I just don’t think you have that kind of time.”

***


End file.
